I will NOT go back

 

As the news broke about our next President, I wasn’t surprised. I felt it coming. I tried to be hopeful but at my core, I understood that if a person spewing so much hateful, racist, sexist rhetoric had gotten this far in a race, he wasn’t going away. I felt violated by him from the start. I lived with a version of him for 14 years. I understood that the man behind the circus act was behaving as a narcissist in the most destructive ways and even more disturbing, the awareness that his behavior is abusive.

As election day grew closer, my anxiety heightened. My past crept back into my sleep. I felt on edge moving through my city. I struggled to breathe deeply and to calm myself down. Fear resurfaced and I noticed a heaviness settle into my heart space. I knew that I had been triggered by Trump for months but I didn’t fully connect with the impact of those triggers until today.

The morning after the election, I reverted to a pattern of hope…dismissing the anger and putting energy into believing in the greater good, in love, in collective consciousness and power to transform for the better. But as the day went on, despair set in and an overwhelming sense of defeat seemed to displace all my intentions to stay focused and empowered. I felt deep concern for my disenfranchised human friends, for my kindred women, for the health and wellbeing of our nation, for our future. I felt the heaviness of the current reality…that half our country was manipulated by an unwell man and see him as a savior figure. I felt a desperate desire to do something to protect and heal while feeling completely flooded by my own resurfaced trauma. I felt fear and anger.

I think about how long it took me to feel safe and stable enough to leave an abusive relationship. I still feel the repercussions of those 14 years. Yet, I can’t wrap my head around the fact that I have to be in some relationship with an abuser in a position of power for the next four years. I can’t wrap my heart around the fact that a person can behave so badly without consequence and then is celebrated and rewarded for it. I do understand how a narcissist abuser works…how he preys on weakness and fuels his own sense of greatness by instilling fear and creating a sense of chaos. I saw it throughout the campaign and debates. We all did. And yet, here we are. My heart aches.

I understand that life is made of contrast. Love and hate. Fear and courage. Dark and light. In a time when the view seems hopeless, I summon hope. I do believe in our collective light, in the power of our conscious goodness to bring equilibrium to what seems so out of whack. I believe in our collective love, in our expansive capacity to outshine the bleak heaviness that wants to settle into our hearts. I believe in our collective strength, in the power of channeling anger and despondency into positive change and transformation. I believe in the resilience of our hearts and minds and voices…rising up and out to heal. I believe in you. In me. In us. I have to.

It will take time and energy and diligence to keep from retreating into a dark space. I know I will play a positive role in cultivating positive change, be it small or big. I am committed to supporting my human friends who need my strength and courage and access to resources. I am committed to doing what I can to inspire inclusive kindness and love, to be a voice for those who are too afraid. It isn’t easy for me. It requires moving into my own fear in order to move closer towards healing transformation. It means telling my story more honestly and stepping out of my comfort and sense of safety. But I know that I have to because I’ve lived in the dark and I will NOT go back. I have to because no one should have to go back. We have to move forward and up. We have to stay in the light.