I was remembering the summer when I was lost between lives, moving from the dark and into the light. Tarot was the closest I could come to believing in a source greater than myself. It was a lifeline to my own healing power and I turned to it often for clarity. At the time, I was using a Zen deck based on Buddhist wisdom with stunning images, except for one card.
I remember sitting at the table, on the cusp of awakening and feeling a range of freedom and despair. I had no idea where I was going or how long it would take to feel a sense of direction. I pulled out my tarot and mixed the cards, fueling them with my anxious heart. Then, half-jokingly I declared, “watch the card I turn be a whole lot of nothing!” As I turned the card over I was completely stunned. There, looking up at me was indeed nothing. A solid black card with the word nothingness at the bottom.
As I read through its meaning I understood how this was the perfect card for me. It wasn’t void of purpose but filled with deep knowing that I was “in the gap” between somewhere and something. It spoke of a state of pure potential, the possibility alive in uncertainty. The not yet manifested life, the silence between words, the gap in the middle just before greatness. And the invitation to embrace nothingness was exactly what I needed. To simply be in the journey from nothing to nothing. Nothingness being everything. Surrendering to what was, what is and what could be.
I think back on that moment and reflect on that card. How things come back around, a spiraling of life. Here I sit, in the middle between something and something. Feeling stuck only when I try to force things. This plateau that I’m on isn’t for nothing. It is merely a resting place, an in-between. I am reminded of the sacred that exists in these spaces. The pause between the inhale and exhale. The treasure alive in the middens of life. The vitality emerging from slumbering seeds. The messy that eventually makes way for beauty. Nothingness is simply this moment between moments. The not yet manifested, the silence between words. Leaning in feels easier, lighter than forcing my way through. So here I will rest in the no-thingness.